Sinful Sunday- Money for Sex Part III (Shitty Personal Ads)

Ok, so it's only going to be Sunday for a few more minutes, but it's a holiday weekend, so give me a break.

After years of mental notation, I now present, "How shitty is your personal ad?" This is a completely unvalidated (or perhaps invalidated) measure using a points system. Start with an arbitrary number and then subtract using the guidelines below. Or in simple terms, avoid ANY of the following:

Photos
-5 (wIth the exception if any of the following backgrounds are fundamental to your personality) for any of the following: fancy car, boat, motorcycle, pet, someone else's kid.
-5 group photo at a bar
-10 picture with another person cut away
-20 anything hiding the face: sunglasses, helmet, gas mask
-30 picture taken by oneself using a mirror
-30 general slutty or raunchiness
-30 no shirt or way too much skin unless suitable to context (e.g. you are surfing)
-50 driver's license photo

I am special, just like everyone else...
-5 for each of these favorite past times: quiet time, eating out, quiet sunday afternoons, I like to do all kinds of different things, like to hang out and have fun, night on the town
-5 for each item stating the obvious: I'm searching for that special someone. I'd rather date someone attractive.
-5 for any meta-commentary: I don't know what to write, I thought I'd give this a try, My friend made me do this, You can't fit my personality in a box, Thanks for reading my profile.
-15 "Tired of the bar scene"
-30 for lots of commentary about their philosophy of relationships: "Communication, chemistry and caring, my patented 'three C's' of love are the cornerstone of any relationship"
-50 very little information or lots of words that say nothing.

Self help books really work!
-5 for any self-descriptions that can't possibly be as common as personal ads would lead you to believe: I live life to its fullest, I treasure the preciousness of life, I always look on the bright side, I take life as it comes, I am always trying to better myself.

I want to sound romantic so I will consult love song compilation album covers...
-5 each for: walks on the beach, fireplaces, dinner by candle light (I have no memory of anyone saying they would clean my kitchen and cook dinner for me while I take a nap. Much more appealing than any of those other things)
10 points off for mention of chivalry any other words that provoke thoughts of Medieval times: king, queen, knight, prince charming, princess, maiden, the plague.

I have a hard time at the grocery store, too...
-5 for any equivocal, bet hedging statement: I like formal and casual clothes, I like to party but also romantic dinners alone, I love drinking, but only once a year.
-5 I like all music (extra -5 for I like all music but country and rap.)
-15 for saying you don't know what you want, but you'll know it when you see it.

I was bored and made a profile for no reason...
-10 Very funny and creative profile that says absolutely nothing about you. I once saw one that was just a short story and nothing else. No, I did not read the whole thing.
-15 You really want to find that special someone but you are inaccessible- "I'm a resident in surgery and only have one night off every two weeks. I volunteer for the homeless on that one night. I'm only available by pager and I live with the Amish. BTW I'm moving in 3 months and I'm afraid of traveling over bridges."

Give and take...
-5 excessive talk of fine dining, expensive hobbies, and travels extra 5 points off if your income/job makes that seem like you must be running a drug ring on the side to afford it.
-10 women looking for a man who is, "goal-oriented"
-20 requests to or to be, "spoiled" or pampered

I see a great future between us...
-15 for any indication you want someone to help babysit.
-15 for using a 2nd person tense: You are this you are that and you want this.
-15 points for mentioning pets or kids in a threatening way- "If you don't like them, I'll dump you! Don't even think about it, you'll always be #2!"
-20 for strong statement of expectations: I plan to get married and have babies within 5 years. Then I want a house. I will live in the city in a condo by the lake with red carpet.
-30 for anything that makes a woman feel like a walking womb or a man like a sperm donor.

On the rebound...
-10 for asking for or offering the painfully obvious- honesty, no games, no drama,
-5 for the slightly more forgivable: loving, caring, smart, fun (only those exact words)
-25 each: reference to ex, resentment towards past relationships, reference to not wanting liars, cheaters, or any other misc. bitterness.

Just icky...
-20 for any mention of gross things you wouldn't talk about with strangers- toe nail clippings, back rubs, fetishes, ad as means to infidelity (and yes, I have received mail directly asking me to help a man cheat on his wife while he is out of town. He has a picture on his profile.)

Where is that needle in a haystack picture again?